Live your life with eyes wide open

Santa!

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 17:14:57 GMT

Santa just went past the house, and it could have been more perfect as the snow was falling for the first real snowfall of the year!

Happy Happy!

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 12:50:42 GMT

Happy Birthday to the lovely, beautiful, caring, kind, funny, and more than anything unbelievable friend, racerxgirl!!! I hope you have a wonderful day!

Not filtered or anything, not ashamed of it, but more here for documentation than anything. I decided this morning that I'm not drinking anymore. I did it probably close to a year ago? And gradually started back again. A couple of us went out after work last night, and I had a couple beers. No shots. No liquor. Just a few beers, spread out over quite a few hours. 5 AM? Puking. My body just doesn't react well to alcohol anymore. And there aren't benefits that make it worth it, at all, so I'm just stopping. It's a good decision health wise even without the reactions I've had, so I'm very positive going into this. I'll talk to my therapist today about if I need to do any kind of AA or some kind of group or anything. I don't consider myself an alcoholic, but at the same time I've been doing something that made me sick over and over again, so there may be some things that would help me. Or maybe I'll just realize things and work through them with her. I'm open to anything at this point. I just want to not feel like I do right now anymore for basically no reason. I'm not saying I'm not going out or anything. At least not for now. We'll see how I react to it, but I'm not a blackout drunk. Yes, I've had my episodes, but it's not like I live from drink to drink, or drink to feel normal, or anything. I was very much just a casual, social drinker. But there's no fun in it, and there's really no fun in feeling like this, so I'm done.

May your days be merry and bright...

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 20:40:08 GMT

It's a holiday meme that can make us all feel special, and can aid in the spirit of giving rather than receiving...

Step One

Make a post (public, friendslocked, filtered...whatever you're comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fun ("I'd love a Snape/Hermione icon that's just for me") to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.") The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.

If you wish for real possible things, make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you.

Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ, or link to this post so that the holiday joy will spread.

Step Two

Surf around your friendslist (or friendsfriends, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part:

If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it. Once a wish has been granted, it will be crossed off my list.

You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call.

There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

1. Reiki/Distance Good energy/etc. In general would be great, as I've had anxiety attacks like crazy lately, and had a lot of stuff going on, but the specifics I feel comfortable listing would be relationship calming, infertility, and definitely the fact that I've had anxiety attacks like crazy lately.

2. Piano music! I got an early gift this weekend, as my husband got me a piano, and it's awfully hard to hide in the house :) So any music that anyone has lying around not being used, or recommendations for people's favorite pieces, or for those not concerned with copyright laws, even photocopies of something you love or makes you think of me or anything. My parents got rid of our old piano a few years ago, and sadly I think most of the music went along with it. I loved the John Thompson's Modern Piano books. LOVED Third Grade when I had it (but will probably pick up Fourth and Fifth now, too) as a basis for the level I'm working at. Then again, simple is fun and a challenge is never a bad thing!

3. Books! Anything paper, really. A doodle. An old worn book on your bookcase not getting any love. I don't read as much as I used to, but at the same time, I can't stop buying and loving them. The feel of paper in my hands calms me. I'll walk around a book store, just brushing my hands on the books, as if touching them somehow imparts part of them in me. I wish I still had my notes from junior high and high school. I've told my husband millions of times that a letter from the heart would be better than any gift he could buy (although the piano was unbelievable).

4. A baby. This one might make me cry while I'm writing, but if I'm making a wishlist from my heart, it has to be there. Technically, yes, only my husband can physically give this to me. Or at least according to the rules of our relationship :) We aren't interested in adoption or surrogacy or anything. I have stepkids. We don't want a baby, unless it's biologically our baby. And I'm not disparaging anyone who has done any of the above or trying to invalidate your choices. PLEASE believe that. Anyone who has gone through the struggle of infertility will understand when I say that everyone has their own path and this is just OUR path. BUT, any recommendations of herbs/doctors/natural remedies/yoga positions/mantras/etc. that can help us on that path would be a wonderful gift to receive. While my legs may not be open to you for help with this, my heart and mind absolutely are.

5. Ideas of "family bonding" things to do that my 13 year old stepdaughter won't be furious about. A 13 year old cheerleader that only wants to "chill" with her friends. My ideas are running out and have been vetoed lately, but I KNOW that we need that time together at least every couple weeks to do something as a family. She typically ends up laughing and having fun by the end of the night/experience/event/whatever, but new ideas are always welcome. We're huge sports fans, enjoy card games, she loves cooking, and my 10 year old stepson is pretty easy to please, so he has fun doing pretty much whatever we choose.

6. Firebird and Tree of Life from PossibleDaydreams.

7. Tea! Looseleaf tea. Yummy tea bags. Teapots. Tea cups. Rooibos, Green, Mate, Herbal, White, Red. You name it. Anything tea.

8. A sewing machine. Something with at least a few stitches to play with, but nothing too crazy. The one on my thingsiwant.com wishlist is the Brother XL2600I, but only cause it caught my eye, not because I desperately need it. I'd just like to efficiently mend things or to be able to create simple curtains and such for myself. Being able to make overstuffed pillows for a few bucks a piece for our living room rather than paying $10-20 a pillow sounds absolutely magnificent.

9. Lush Bath Bombs!

10. 128 and 130 S Broad Street, Lansdale. I worked at a day care here my first year out of daycare. I would love to run one there again. I've always loved the two houses, converted and a deck built between. 128 was the baby through 3-year-olds building, and 130 was for the older kids. A dream that will never come true, especially as much as I love being a DBA now, but there's still a little pang every time we drive past and I see the For Sale sign.

10 1/2. Because 10 wasn't at all realistic... Recipes! I'm a crock-pot-aholic lately, but any recipes will do! My stepkids are getting more adventurous, my husband and I love cooking together, and my house seems to be the location for both Thanksgiving and Christmas traditions now, so throw them my way! Something you love, something you can't go to a party without taking, something that's fun to make, any something you'd like!

j.o.c.e.l.y.n d.o.t p.e.r.k.i.n.s a.t g.m.a.i.l d.o.t c.o.m

Grrrrrr Monday

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 16:26:29 GMT

Working from home, which is nice, except for the reason.

Woke up, kids running late which means Jason running late which means me, as the last person in the shower, running late. Get dressed, headed out the door... my fucking car won't start. Didn't have any lights or anything on overnight, but when I started it, it tried to turn over, and then nothing, just clicking. Battery is only a year or so old. Still under warranty, so if it's dead, whatever, I'll get it swapped out. Just frustrating, especially with work today.

Plus, it's on top of needing new brakes, at least two new spark plugs and/or coils, probably at least one side strut plates replaced and potentially even more strut problems b/c of driving it without getting it fixed. Oh and a leaky main cylinder and possibly something slowly leaking oil, too. And inspection in January, and Jason's lease is up in January. And meanwhile we're living on scraps for the next 2 weeks and then rushing to throw Christmas together after that while still meeting the loan modification agreement to be able to keep our house.

So I log onto work and have 5 emails from the same person asking for programs to be run. I can edit programs from here. Run, notsomuch. And one of the 15 or so things she requested takes an hour on it's own so it's not like I can even just ask someone to help out.

So yeah, it's pretty much on par for a Monday after a 4 day weekend...

BUT, now people are running my programs, my bosses are all unbelievably understanding and supportive and all, so I don't have to take time off. Getting stuff done, and now, thanks to sabatoa, making faked poutine to eat. The day is getting better.

Also...

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 16:45:45 GMT

I meant to post something on Saturday night. I did on Facebook, but got kinda introspective and stuff and never made it over here.

Friday night/Saturday morning was 10 years since the Penn State bus accident. There is a mother who has spent an entire decade mourning the loss of her daughter who died right in front of her eyes. Denise Orndorff be 33 now. Possibly a mother herself. Her mother could have been a grandmother. She was a biology major. Would she have been a doctor? A nurse? A scientist? What would her life have been like if she had survived? If the accident had never happened? What would mine?

The other person that died was one of the bus drivers, Robert Clifford Burge. He'd be 60 now. Would he still be driving busses? He died of blunt force trauma and abdominal injuries. He was in the bus behind me. I was in the back seat of our bus, on the driver's side. His bus hit mine hard enough to kill him, right in my back. I saw him on the stretcher, on the road, with the team working on him. In the ambulance later, two of the EMTs said that he had died right there. I don't know if they didn't think I could hear them, or if after after the hours spent while they took people to hospitals, getting the most seriously injured out first, they figured that there was nothing they could say to me that would be worse than what I had seen already. Knowing I watched someone die? Yeah, they were wrong. That's when my neck and shoulder and back pain started. My parents picked me up from a hospital in Wilkes Barre early Sunday morning. We drove to Penn State, got my stuff for Thanksgiving break, and they brought me home. I skipped three days of classes. When I went back, I didn't want to be there. I hadn't put a ton of effort into classes before that. After it, I was done. That week was when I first started taking sleeping meds. I pretty much didn't sleep at night for a week. I remember both of my parents sitting on my bed that first night because any time I fell asleep, I heard Denise screaming while she was trapped in the windshield before she died. For YEARS I couldn't smell diesel fuel without having flashbacks because of the busses and TONS of ambulances there for hours that night. I still hate driving in fog. I still have pretty severe pain in my neck/shoulders. It comes and goes, but it hurts at least moderately for at least a little bit almost every day.

That was 10 years ago. A decade. That seems crazy to me, but at the same time, it seems like a lifetime ago. So Saturday night, I went upstairs alone and I remembered. I prayed for the people left to deal with the loss of Denise and Robert. I prayed for the people, like me, whose lives changed whether a lot or a little that day. Hundreds of us were on those busses. Over a hundred were taken to hospitals all over the area. I'm sure I'm not the only one who didn't go back that January. And life goes on. The people left behind, I'm sure still feel the pain of their loss, but have gotten used to life the way it is instead of the way they imagined it. I can't think of an appropriate way to end this. It's more than I really wanted to say, but it felt good to get it out. I guess I'll just end asking for anyone who feels compelled to send out positive energy/good vibes/prayers/etc. to the families of Denise and Robert, and anyone else who felt the pain again looking back this weekend to the tragedy that feels like it was yesterday, and a lifetime ago, all at the same time.

Friday!

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:50:16 GMT

Happy Hour last night cause sleeplessness last night. Woke up at like 5 and couldn't fall back asleep, so I showered and headed into work. Got in by 6:30, got a lot accomplished, LOVED it, and then felt the beginnings of a cluster headache, presumably triggered by said lack of sleep. LOL. And unfortunately all my packets of Maxalt were sitting on my counter in a neat little ziploc bag, half an hour away from me. :( Last refill I forgot to put a couple in my purse. Luckily my boss is the best and let me come home. Took a pill, and feeling better now, and getting better by the second. Logged back in to work from here the rest of the day, and I have a chiro/massage appt in about half an hour to get rid of the shoulder/neck tension that popped up while the headache was building.

In honor of this feeling of Friday Well-Being, I present you with this link. Bobby McFerrin makes a keyboard. Out of people. VERY cool. At a Neuroscience panel. For anyone who thinks Bobby McFerrin is just Don't Worry Be Happy, search him on YouTube. The man is amazing.

This is a break, not a break up

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:31:32 GMT

I think I'm gonna take a break from LJ for a while. Possibly Facebook, too, at least for the status/comment/etc part of it.

Kolin and I had a conversation last night when we were the only ones home about perception. It started out talking about how your eye sees things upside down and then your brain flips it back over again. Then Kolin told me that he thinks that he's the only one that's allowed to see things that he sees. We started talking about wondering if what you see as something is how other people see it or if our brains turn things into our own version of what they look like. Like if you could see something from someone else's eyes and brain, red would be red because we're taught that what looks like red is red, but what if when I see a coke bottle and it looks red is the color that your eyes and brain see when you look at a lemon? What if my brain processes the color a different way than yours does. So red is always red in context, but if I saw it through your eyes and brain it would look like my yellow?

It was a really interesting conversation to have with a 10 year old, that's for sure. And it opened my brain up to a weird introspective place for the rest of the night. Only I see my life my way. Only I can see from my perspective. So when things happen or I do or say something, only I can really understand what I mean by it. How many things do I do or say that other people see as wrong or mean or heartless or shallow or any other number of things that are not meant at all? And when it comes down to it, my intentions make it alright for me, but other people can only see me the way my words and actions filter through their own perspective. We're told that we have to be happy with ourselves and not to care about what other people think, but I think it's a bullshit way of life now that I really consider it. What our intentions are should matter, but should just be a basis to show us how we should make ourselves look to others. We should strive for others to see us the way we see ourselves, not to say "forget them" if they don't.

And online, we're only our own intentions. The only things we see of each other is what we want others to see of ourselves. In 7 years of this 8 years of this journal, there have been very few opportunities for anyone to really see ME. You see what I think I am, but is that who I am if that's not how I am seen by others? By the ones I love? And who love me?

I love and cherish my online friends. But I feel like I'm doing you a disservice. We all paint pretty pictures of ourselves here. Even if we give ourselves flaws, we carefully construct exactly what parts of those flaws are allowed to be shown. A lot has happened on the computer, my mom's Facebook definitely comes into play LOL. Some things friends are going through, as well. And the fact that Jason hates the idea of all of this doesn't help any, either. But mostly I just feel like there's so much invested emotionally into relationships that never really have the opportunity to be mutual because they are based on these online personas that are already so selfish in nature. It's so easy to delete a profile or to unfriend someone. To block an entry. To write a private entry. It's so easy to push someone out of your life that has no idea that it's coming because they've only seen the relationship through their own perspective, never really understanding yours.

And I think I need to figure out a better idea of exactly who I am and how to make that person who everyone else sees, too, before I can go back to pretending that I can accurately represent myself here.

[LJ2ME] Beard Update

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 17:49:20 GMT

Almost a month

I'm definitely ready for it to be gone by the end of the week!

Owwwie Owwwie

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 14:30:00 GMT

Today is double owwie. At least I have an appt set up at the chiro/massage for tomorrow after work. I can survive a few more days on ibuprofen as long as I know it's there waiting for me in 34ish hours. It's to the point where my jaw and head hurt now, and I don't know if it's my teeth and gums, or if it's just tension from my neck and clenching my jaw at night and stuff. I'm too young to be going through all this all the time!

I just checked in and my allergy shots should be ready in about 2 weeks. I can't wait to get started. Sounds, crazy, I know, but I have probably about a year, if not more, ahead of me of getting them weekly, so I'd like to get the process started so it can eventually end!

I really want a puppy. Or a new kitten. Until I think about the work that goes into it. Maybe after Midnight's gone, but for now the two of them are enough work.

I can't form a thought cohesive enough for more than a sentence or two, but I don't feel like this entry is over yet. And I have another 20ish minutes before this program I'm running is finished, so I have time to let my mind wander. We had time for Dunkin Donuts this morning. I ate less than half of my pumpkin muffin and am enjoying my coffee, but don't want it all at the same time. I don't really have an appetite, but feel like I want to eat. Welcome to my weight issues. I went to sleep at like 6 something last night, waking up on and off to eat something and watching tv for a few minutes before deciding I really just wanted to lay down and turning the tv off at like 8:05. I tossed and turned and slept weirdly till like 9 something. There's probably something weird going on with my body. Fighting off getting sick or something. Then I woke up at 6:15 for the third morning in a row without wanting to fall back asleep. Thanks, Daylight Savings.

I'm super nervous for baseball tonight. I don't want to say too much about that.

I feel like I want/need to cry, but I'm not sad about anything. I need to do homework. Like badly. To the point where I'm almost just accepting that I'm not meeting requirements this term and moving on to the next. I'm in pain. I think the dark evenings and shorter days are starting to get to me. I just feel dark. Not evil dark. Empty dark. This entry is really taking a turn for the worse, so I think it's time to call it quits.

Adorable!

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 19:21:37 GMT

If anyone has a second, please help my cousin's son Hunter in this costume contest by clicking on the picture and voting!

Owwwie

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 14:02:27 GMT

I am super owie this morning. Right shoulder is locked and knotted and crinked and everything else. Trying to will it to relax with my brain. Only working somewhat. Boo.

Thursday night was horrific. We went to Pizza Time with Marcus to watch the game. Just the three of us, which is understandably usually awkward for Jason but they actually talked to each other and got along, which was nice. They have a lot of common interests and stuff so it's always a little less awkward when they'll just talk to each other instead of to/through me. LOL.

So in walks Jeremy, Jed's brother. And as I'm talking to Marcus about how we saw Jed at Rachael's wedding and I totally forgot we'd be seeing him there and Jason was awkward for a little while about it, in walks Jed. So we talk for a few, he goes over and hangs out with Jeremy, and a little while later he leaves. Awesome. I'm sure Jason was thrilled with the night at this point. And then in the 8th or 9th inning, in walks Matt Scott. I probably haven't seen Matt in 3 years? It was weird, but it was nice to see him, I guess... Not for Jason, though. And he got weird, and then I said something when we were leaving about feeling weird in that position which turned into a fight.

And people wonder why I just hibernate in my bedroom most of the time.

[LJ2ME] This is how...

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 03:07:50 GMT

I get to try to watch the World Series.

How about you?

Cause I haven't posted much about baseball lately

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 14:12:24 GMT

In a movie version of this postseason, Cashman and Girardi would have some convuluted scheme that trapped the Phillies after game 6 in a cage of lasers or by a lion or a tiger so that they couldn't make it to Game 7 and the Whiz Kids would activate Captain Planet-esque rings that would turn them back into their 1950 selves to fill the roster and win the game and the series and avenge their honor from 59 years ago. Then the 1950 Whiz Kids, the present day Whiz Kids, and the current Phillies team would all do a horrible dance montage during the closing credits to Celebration by Kool & The Gang and there would be badly CGI'ed clouds and HK and Whitey dancing along in heaven.

Also, while caged/trapped, Cole Hamels would be more upset about not having access to mirrors and hair products than missing the game.

Rachie and Greg :)

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 13:40:47 GMT

raeangel and Greg got married yesterday, and it was GORGEOUS! It ended up being a really nice day after a few days of rain and ickiness, and they were able to have an outdoor ceremony. It was the first Jewish wedding I had ever been to and I was enthralled. So beautiful, and so filled with tradition and MEANING. Check out the gorgeous blue sky they had as a backdrop for the ceremony.

Rachael looked STUNNING. Between her weight loss and the glow of a bride on her wedding day, you couldn't take your eyes off of her :)

The gorgeous bride with her parents

The reception was so fun, with great speeches by everyone, tons of fun dance music, and great food. Dijon-herb crusted salmon, anyone? TO DIE FOR! And a super yummy dessert spread that I'll be regretting for weeks :)

Bryan and Jason (also beard update for 2 1/2 weeks LOL)

Mosey and Bryan

LOVE LOVE LOVE this picture of Mr. & Mrs. Gerson :)

Us

I really really love this one, too

Almost a decade <3 (It's already been a decade for raeangel and moolovesblue!)

And of course there has to be at least one MySpace/Facebook type picture

Ok, maybe two

And my flower from Mosey's Daddy

OMG

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 17:36:08 GMT

We just ordered the NFL Red Zone channel from Comcast. For half the money I paid for StatTracker on Yahoo last year. I'm having a footballgasm today. <3 it.

And the beard update...

As of last night

And

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 14:39:55 GMT

In the interest of further distraction, more pictures. I dyed my hair on Saturday. I was going for darker, but not this dark. But I like it.

And Jason is growing a playoff beard. So far it's working. The last day he shaved was the last day the Phillies lost.

Also

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 14:35:36 GMT

If it's not obvious already, I'm trying my hardest to keep busy and distract myself from thinking about Chris's surgery today. However, running multiple SAS programs that takes about half an hour a pop to run, leaving me no option to do any programming myself doesn't provide me the opportunity to submerge myself in work that I would have liked. So, extra strong prayers, reiki, positive vibes, etc., in the direction of the Torresdale, Philly area would be greatly appreciated. Put out into the universe that he WILL get through this and it WILL help him to heal. No negativity allowed today. Thank you.

As linked by shadesong

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 14:32:20 GMT

Maggie Lee Henson was a vibrant 12-year-old who died from a traumatic brain injury she suffered when the First Baptist Church of Shreveport Bus flipped and landed on her on July 12th, 2009, while on the way to youth camp. Thousands have already committed to performing ONE ACT OF KINDNESS in honor of Maggie Lee on October 29, 2009, what would be her 13th birthday.

It's only Tewsday?

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 13:07:07 GMT

Jason's home sick today. Achy and sniffly and fevery. And VERY sleepy. Hoping I don't get it. I'm a little sniffly but I take my allergy medicine around now every day, so it's always a kinda sniffly time of day. Plus, I was super itchy yesterday so obviously either the meds aren't working as well or there are extra allergens around lately.

We went to the therapist for the first time last night. It went well, I guess. I cried. But we were both honest and we like her. We both agree with the main goals she pointed out from the initial session and we're comfortable with her so for now we'll be there every other Monday. We'll see how it goes. And how much I want to share about it while it's happening.

This is a picture I took from the driveway because we were a few minutes early, looking from the driveway across her tennis court at some of the 6-7 deer we saw grazing in the yard. This is before we walked back through the back gate and saw the giant swimming pool in her house nestled in the woods of Upper Merion. LOL. We were a little skeptical at first about how we'd feel about her based on this, but she's older and she and her husband both drive Hondas, so we get the feeling now that she's worked hard to get what she has and we appreciate that, not resent it.

And a meme while I run some SAS listings

*Think back to ten years ago on this month.
*Write truthful answers and ELABORATE. This makes it more interesting!
*It's about personal changes. Have fun with it!

1. Age:
18

2. Romantic Status:
Single, kinda hooking up with Dan from Pitt

3. Occupation:
Student/worked at the HUB (mostly at the hamburger place)

4. Fun night out:
I don't remember if I was still hanging out with my roomate at this point. It was starting to get old, if I was. So Walmart with Laur, or dinner at the actual restaurant at East Halls with the basketball guys, not the dining hall. There were many more nights in than out, though. Taebo in the common room or hanging out in Laur's room or at Pablo's.

5. My BFFs:
Lauren, Sabrina, Bethany (ew)

6. I spent way too much time:
Working out. Listening to BSB. Not going to class.

7. I spent not enough time:
Going to class. Doing homework.

8. I wanted to be when I grew up:
Day Care Director

9. Biggest concern:
Loving my friends at school but REALLY wanting to go home.

10. What my biggest concern should have been:
Going to class. Doing homework.

11. Where did I live:
Pennypacker Hall, East Halls, University Park, PA. We are. Penn State.

12. Dumbest thing I did that year:
Quit school and came home. Started the process of getting in serious debt by getting credit cards and going to FL when I had a job that barely gave me spending money at school.

13. If I could go back now and talk to myself I would say:
Stay in school. At least give the SCHOOL part of it a shot. Or else 10 years from now you'll be putting yourself through school still while working full time and a million times
more stressed than you think you are now.

1. Age:
28

2. Romantic Status:
Married

3. Occupation:
Assistant Database Administrator

4. Fun night out:
Dinner out, hopefully at a new place. Movies. Walking around the mall holding hands.

5. My BFFs:
Eh... That's a hard question to answer at this point. I feel like a ton of people know different things about me and combine to be one BFF.

6. I spend way too much time:
Fucking around on the internet

7. I spend not enough time:
Doing schoolwork. LOL.

8. I want to be when I grow up:
Happy

9. Biggest concern:
Whether we're gonna make it. If we do if we'll ever have a baby.

10. What my biggest concern should be:
I think it's pretty much on track

11. Where do I live:
Depends on who you ask. I pay taxes to Upper Merion Township. I get my mail delivered by Bridgeport post office. Bridgeport cops wouldn't report if we had an issue. Upper Merion cops rarely make it out to patrol our street. And depends on who I'm answering. Upper Merion sounds better. Bridgeport has more neighborhood feel.

12. Dumbest thing I have done this year:
Not been more serious about school? LOL. Yes it's a trend for pretty much the whole decade.

13. What I think I would say to myself in 10 years:
I wish I was in a secure enough place to have any idea where I'll be in 10 years.

SUMMARY:

1. What do I miss most from 1999:
Having fun at PSU. Crusing Lansdale when I was home till all hours of the night.

2. What do I miss least from 1999:
The same crap I'm dealing with 10 years later. (Leaving Sam's answer)

3. What have I accomplished in 10 years that I am most proud of:
Finding a career that I enjoy and am good at.

4. What have I NOT accomplished in 10 years that I wish I had:
A degree...in anything. (THIS!!!!) And a baby.

Time to be strong

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 19:38:45 GMT

My mom called. She spoke to Chris's mom. She asked if I would visit him. I just called and spoke to her. They're doing the surgery on Tuesday. He would definitely die without it. It's still a high possibility he might die with it, but it's the only chance he has. The doctor told him with all of the drugs he has done he has pretty much killed his own body. She cried to me that even with everything he's done he's such a good kid and he has to be strong and fight it. But she sounds so sad and lost. She's trying to heal her own body while she watches her little boy fight for his own. I'm going to the hospital tomorrow to see him. To show him people do care about him and that his life is worth fighting for. And crying pretty much from now until Tuesday when I hear anything. Other than the few minutes I'll get to be with him. I need to be strong for him, to see that he can be strong, too. That it's not a lost cause. And I really hope that I'm not lying to myself and to him.

EDIT: Not going to the hospital. His mom called back. The doctor asked that Chris not get excited between now and the surgery on Tuesday because it could dislodge bacteria from his heart which could then infect even more during and after the surgery. So we're being extremely optimistic and planning for me to visit him sometime later next week once surgery is done on Tuesday. I don't know how she's doing it.

Friday Fluff Entry

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 14:12:20 GMT

~Last night was the wedding episode on The Office. We let the kids stay up and got ice cream and stuff. Oops, hello multiple sex references including graphic description of condom vs non-condom. LOL. Ahhhhh the awkward moments of parenthood. Then it was time for bed and Kelsey turned back into bitchy teenager. Every night in our house is a little like Cinderella.

~Waiting on news about Chris. They were transferring him to the hospital for the surgery sometime either yesterday evening, last night, or this morning, with surgery immediately to follow to replace the heart valve. Trying to not think about it much, as I don't know if/when I'll know anything. Apparently it's kinda turning into "Who knows the most about Nancy!" at my mom's school, so she's trying to lay low and just help out when she can and get what info she can without being part of what is becoming a weird and twisted contest.

~Started out the morning by transferring all of the Beatles remastered albums to a memory stick, so have that for whenever I get sick of O&A/Ron & Fez today. Showering/makeup/getting dressed while singing along to the Beatles with my husband is a great way to give life to a rainy Friday. Then to get to work and have DBA coffee break in the caf and make an English muffin while successfully running a GIANT SAS program and get that off my plate... It's been a good day so far. Hopefully it continues. Kolin's baseball game will probably get cancelled tonight so we'll have to find something to do. Monsters Vs. Aliens should be getting delivered in the mail today and Kelsey's the only one who has seen it and can't wait to see it again so maybe we'll pop loads of popcorn and try to find some firewood somewhere and chill at home.

~Jason made an appt for a counselor. We go on Monday for our first appointment. Wish us luck. I'm nervous because Jason doesn't really open up anymore, and I know I resent it, and I know that part of me will resent him opening up in therapy without being able to open up to me normally. But I want to make it work, and this is a HUGE step for him, so I need to focus on moving forward.

~I don't know if I mentioned it here but we borrowed a LARGE chunk of money from my dad in December to pay the mortgage company some back payments. We only have one payment left to pay him off, although we're splitting it into two smaller payments. And we'll still have him paid off a month early, as the payment agreement I presented to him when we borrowed it was 12 payments, one each month this year. It feels really really good to have followed through on this and not just depended on my dad, but paid him back for once.

~I need to pick up some beef. I think I wanna make a stew on Sunday with pumpkin ale. Probably Harvest Moon, though, so it's not overly pumpkiney and Jason will like it. I think I'll take a Guinness stew recipe and adapt to be more fall-like.

Writer's Block: Job search

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 18:19:06 GMT

Are you happy at your current job? Do you think there's such a thing as a dream job? What do you hope to be doing five or ten years from now? Are you working towards that goal?

View 985 Answers

I love my job. LOVE IT. I loved my company since I started here, but definitely started disliking my job in Clinical. Mostly because I was at the end of a very short (non-existant, really) career path. Now that I'm in the DBA group, I honestly love every single day of work. 5 years from now I'd like to be a DBA II or DBA III, still here at ICON. 10 years from now I'd like to be working as a contractor making MAD money, but I don't know how realistic that is because my line of work provides more reliability and is probably the better option to keep benefits through. God forbid ICON ever decides Jason's job isn't needed or goes back to paying the property management company to do it, he probably wouldn't be able to land as sweet of a gig somewhere else. I am on the path to doing it, though, especially by working in the field as I go through school. By the time I graduate, not only will I have a B.S. in my field, but 2-3 years experience, too.

More weird dreams

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 13:16:20 GMT

Two nights ago I dreamt that my front two teeth came out. No pain, little teeth growing in underneath like I was 8, but I was definitely an adult and they were definitely adult teeth. I remember wondering if they were going to grow in as a completely new 3rd set of teeth. It wasn't the standard panic teeth crumbling away or falling out en masse dream, which I've had a million times before. I was more curious. And frustrated when I tried to eat. That's almost all I remember about it.

Last night was much weirder. And creepier. I was being held in a room with a group of people, and being forced to drink blood. There was a group in the room and there were like little packages and we had a certain number of them and had to drink a little bottle every hour. It was disgusting, but I don't remember tasting it or anything, just the warmth and thickness of it. I'm fairly certain that it was inspired by watching the Angel episode the other day where Wesley pretends to be Angel and has to drink blood as part of the fake out. Especially cause at one point Spike was in the room and wouldn't drink anyone else's bottles because thought it was funny to watch people suffer. I don't know why it took me a few days to have the dream, when nothing yesterday even sparked a memory of the episode. So weird.

No new Chris news yesterday.

We went to Payless, Ross, and Old Navy on the way home and had dinner at Ruby Tuesdays because I LOOOOOOOOVE their salad bar. We walked into Payless and within 3 minutes had 7 people ask us if we needed any help finding anything. Is Payless really that confusing of a store for people to navigate? When the last girl asked us, I looked at Jason and we started to walk out. On the way past the counter? "You guys weren't able to find anything???" Wow. We cleaned up at Ross and Old Navy. I got two shirts at Ross for $15. Jason got two shirts and I got 4-5 at Old Navy for $28. Not bad! I was sick of wearing the same couple shirts to work constantly. LOL. I really wanted an Old Navy Cardi Coat but the one I wanted was only in dark green in medium. Apparently they are selling out as soon as they restock, and they sell out just as quick online. That makes me sad. I really want the one with the lantern sleeves, but in a neutral color, not hunter green.

Jen and the kids called three times within an hour and a half while we were out. When we got home Jason took Kolin's math book down to him and politely but firmly told Jen that the way things are needs to stop. He told her that we all, kids included, have to start living like we're 100 miles away, not two blocks. That when the kids go from one house to the other they need to remember their stuff, and that they can't just depend on the fact that they'll be able to take care of stuff throughout the week between houses. She can't ignore his phone calls cause she doesn't feel like dealing with him, and if he's gonna do that then she REALLY can't call him a million times when he is actually answering and handling the situation. He also told her that the child support agreement she agreed to stated that the money she is getting is for food/shelter of the kids and anything above and beyond that needs to be split 50/50. We took dance on ourselves because she told Kelsey that we were the reason she couldn't take it, but other than that, she needs to pay half of extra expenses. School supplies, sports, etc. He gave her a sheet of supplies Kelsey needs for home ec and told her it's her week, so it's her responsibility to get it, and if she shows him a receipt, he'll pay half. He told her that we had to order pictures and choose a package ourselves because she refused to answer the phone or return his voice mails, so we chose the smallest package and that she WILL give us half of the money and money for supplies depending on how many pictures she expects us to print on the printer. She apparently didn't get upset or angry at all, and was almost embarassed. More taken aback, and acknowledged that everything he said was correct. We'll see where it goes from here.

Bureaucratic Bullshit

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 15:01:17 GMT

Well at least now I can refocus my feelings of helplessness and panic and worry into anger.

My mom went to visit Chris's mom last night. Note, that means that she wasn't with Chris. You know why? Because her fucking bullshit insurance company won't allow her to. How can they stop her? Well, she currently needs a giant walker contraption to even get to the bathroom by herself. She is in no condition to be home yet, and is basically relearning how to walk and use her wrist now that it doesn't function the same way as it used to, and that's not easy to do when you're in constant pain. And on meds to try to keep you levelheaded while it feels like your entire life is going to shit. Her insurance company's way to handle this? Telling her that if she is well enough to leave the rehab facility to go visit Chris in the hospital, then she's well enough that they no longer need to cover the costs of the rehab facility. So in order to be able to get to a point where she can exist on her own, she isn't able to be with her son while he is possibly dying.

I can't even imagine someone making this decision. Because when it comes down to it, someone sitting at a desk in an office somewhere had to say "Ooooh, here's a way for us to save money." I get that there is a ton of insurance fraud, and that there is a ton of overuse of insurance coverage even when there isn't fraudulent activity, but does misuse by some have to hurt others? How can someone possibly think that it is ok to forbid a mother to be with her sick child?

His dad came back to the rehab facility from being at the hospital while my mom was there and told them that Chris developed MRSA on his heart valve. They're taking him off the medicines that are keeping him in a medically induced coma, and then working to remove his ventilator in the hopes that if his body has to work on its own, it will possibly be equipped to fight the infection, instead of backing off and letting the ventilator do all the work. I don't know what to think. I understand the logic of it, but I also understand that it's a last ditch effort. They don't know it will work, which means they are at the point where they are taking him off of the ventilator not knowing what will happen, which means risking death, which seems to me like they have run out of other options.

I'm still kinda numb about it all. I think my heart is too busy breaking for their family and what they are going through to really understand that it's my friend, and that he really might die. Although now that I type that out, my body finally reacts. I don't know. I'm trying to focus on work and not think about it, but then I feel cold and callous.

Whatever you believe in, please send some to Chris and his family. Prayers, postive thoughts, good vibes... whatever you can.

I don't know what to type

lessthanthree13@gmail.com — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 17:19:35 GMT

I feel hypocritical asking for prayers when I haven't prayed in so long and don't think I even believe in it. Positive thoughts maybe? I don't know what...

My friend Chris is in the hospital. My mom has gotten different reports from different people, but it seems like he got bronchitis and it turned into pneumonia. He wound up in the hospital and now has another, much more serious infection. They don't have much hope. I don't think that they even know what the newest infection is, but again, different pieces of the story from different people, so who knows.

I haven't talked to him for a few years. We used to be really good friends and hung out a lot. We flirted a lot. Nothing ever came of it, but we always had a special connection. He's been troubled for pretty much his whole life. He was adopted and his birth mother was apparently a drug addict, among other things. He had trouble with drugs, crime, you name it through the years, despite having great parents and a comfortable life. He had emotional issues. He and his parents have all gone through so much over the years. I don't think they were even speaking much lately. A few weeks ago his mom was in a car accident and her car flipped. They had to cut the car to get her out, and she was suspended by the seat belt, upside down, until they got her out. She has had to have multiple surgeries since then, and I believe has metallic parts in her wrist and her ankle. She has had to do physical therapy almost daily. And now this.

So I don't know... I don't know what to say. I don't know what to ask for, but I feel helpless and wish there was something I could do. I don't even know what hospital he is at. And even if I knew, I think it's at the point where they're just keeping it private with the immediate family. I don't understand how this can happen in this age of science and medicine.