And I don't know that it will be very interesting to anyone. I just feel the need to write. Post. Whatever. For once I'm listening to my iPod instead of XM. Decided I'd take a break for a half an hour or so until Ron & Fez. Now that I'm in the listening groove, I might not listen to R&F today. It's a strange day. I already told sabatoa but I woke up this morning, knowing it was Friday, but still somehow feeling like it was Saturday. Not being able to go back to sleep put me in a weird mood from that point on. Since LJ only has so many characters for "listening to," I'll just update in the entry every so often. Right now I'm listening to Keali'i Reichel - Patchwork Quilt. Listening to Keali'i puts me immediately into the past. High school when he performed at Carnegie Hall. That was the first time I'd seen my Uncle Ric since I was a baby. The show he announced he was retiring from dancing with Keali'i. The first time I really experienced the Hawaiian culture and spirit and I was immediately hooked. I surrounded myself with as many of the people in his circle as I could for the rest of the weekend. I kept in touch with one by mail for a little while. I did a research paper on hula. And then memories of Hawai'i itself from last summer. I miss Hawai'i so much. It wasn't just a vacation. It is a complete experience. And now 'Auhea Wale Ana 'Oe just came on. Possibly my favorite chant that I have ever heard done. I think it began one of the shows I used to have on VHS. I killed two or three different VHS tapes of performances/tv shows/competitions. One was actually Hot Hawaiian Nights or something like that, a show they ended up filming at our hotel's bar the Friday night we were in Hawai'i. I have a lot of Keali'i on here, so it'll probably come up again later.

I thought for a long time about whether or not I was going to post this next part. And how much to share. And whether or not to make it friends' only, or re-open my paid account and create a custom friends group. I'm just going to post it. Not many people even read this anymore, and I have nothing to hide anyway.

We're going to start TTC in a little over a month. Jason has a vasectomy reversal scheduled for the 20th of this month. Add in recovery time, and we're looking at mid-to-end of January before we start. I have no idea what is in store for us. With my PCOS, I have no idea if/when I ovulate. I've been charting for a few months and I still have no idea. My Reproductive Endocrinologist moved to Reading about a year so I haven't seen one in about a year and a half. I went to a midwife a month or so ago for my GYN appointment, and really like the office so if I do somehow get pregnant, I'll be having the baby at Bryn Mawr Birth Center (http://thebirthcenter.org/). They recommended an RE in Center City that they work with a lot and who everyone seems to love. I called to make an appointment and found out she actually works in Blue Bell two days a week, and it's between work and home for me, so it works out even better. I have my first appointment with her next Friday afternoon. I have a feeling I'll end up back on Metformin. I have no idea what to expect. With Jason's vasectomy, it's not like we've had "oops, no condom" moments that haven't resulted in pregnancy before to base any ideas off of. We're completely in unknown territory. We could end up pregnant immediately, or it could be years of treatments, etc. If that's the case, I don't even know how in depth I'm willing to go with it. On one hand, I want SO BADLY to be a mother. Badly enough that the idea of not being one is heartbreaking. And yes, I get an amazing opportunity with Kelsey and Kolin, but it's not the same. I'm more friend than parent. Don't get me wrong, I discipline them, I set boundaries, I'm not JUST a friend. But especially with Kelsey, it's more like having a confidante in the house than having another parent. (Savage Garden - I Want You. I don't care what anyone says about the chick-a-cherry-cola part being corny. I love this song). But another part of me thinks that while I am willing to take fertility meds, and while I'm willing to try things out, after a certain amount of heartbreak and money spent and anxiety and disappointment, there has to be a point where you decide it's just not worth it, and it isn't meant to be. I don't want to end up like the Gosselins. As much of a blessing as all of their kids are, it's not what I want for my life, and it's something I have control over. Well, mostly. The odds of non-fertility-med high number multiples is pretty damn low. I don't want to become that different of a person. I want to enjoy life, not spend every second planning how to just get through the day. I want to be able to still have a relationship with my husband. I guess we'll see what happens in the next few months before I even worry about it.

More Keali'i. In My Life. Yes, a Beatles cover. This was the song our wedding party danced to at the wedding. :) Good memories! And Clutch - 10001110101. I'm such a nerd. #1 that I like Clutch. #2 that this song makes me giggle so much. Binary. Lulz.

Here's the rub. Kelly's wedding is in July. Obviously we want to start trying ASAP in case it is a long, drawn out process. The sooner we find out problems, the better the odds of fixing and/or working with/around them are. But if we get pregnant right away, that puts me at six months pregnant for the wedding. Obviously doable, but do I want to be pregnant at all, not to mention beachball-ish for the wedding! Kelly has already said that she doesn't care about me being pregnant as far as pictures/look/etc., so that's one less worry. But what if for some reason I end up bedridden or with multiples or something? And being her matron of honor, I need to be there for her the whole way through, and absorb stress for her. Not good if I'm pregnant and especially not good if it's even remotely a troubled pregnancy. I guess this is where I stop trying to obsessively plan and just see where it all takes us.

Gavin DeGraw - Follow Through (Stripped). Apparently my iPod is feeling sappy today. This is our song. The version that we danced to for our first dance. I love it so much. I love that it's honest and raw in the stripped version. It fits so well with the lyrics. I love that our song isn't a sappy "everything will always be perfect" love song. "And I, all I really want is you - you to stick around. I'll see you every day. But you have to follow through." Love is about keeping promises. About being there for each other. For better or worse. Following through, not just loving on the surface. I'll probably listen to this another 2 or 3 times before letting the next song play. And keep looking at this picture. I have it hanging in my cubicle.



I can't believe it's been 6 months. It feels so much longer, and like no time at all, all at once. We've definitely had some rough moments. The D word was dropped once or twice. But the good times have far outweighed them. People aren't lying when they say the first year is rough. I'm hoping the second half is a little easier than the first. But honestly, you get through the bad times, and the good times are so much sweeter now than they ever were before. (Track 6 on the BU Acapella group's CD. I can't remember the song... Google lyrics search... Patty Griffin's When it Don't Come Easy. LOL, fitting. Like to a creepy extent. I'll put the lyrics at the end of the post. And a great song.) The love that I have for him is ... I don't know what to say. I look at him sometimes and I'm just overwhelmed by this incredible love and respect and feeling of ... I guess being grateful that this man is my husband. He grounds me. He makes me a better person. It's an emotion that literally fills my heart up. That I can actually FEEL in my body... I lose time doing stupid stuff like looking at how his hair is made up of a billion different colors, from dark almost black brown to light blond, and how they combine to just look like one color from far away. Or tracing his face with my finger, especially his lips. Not even in a sexual way. Just tracing the contours of his face. Watching his eyes light up when he laughs or GENUINELY smiles. There is nothing I love more than the look in his eyes when he is actually smiling, not just smiling out of politeness or something. Ok enough corniness :)

I guess most of what I wanted to write about and get out was the TTC stuff. I'm still bored as hell, but I don't feel as ... "off," I guess ... since getting it typed out. Things are settling in well at work. I'm fitting into the group, and really getting everything that I'm learning. We have the official DBA Holiday gathering on the 17th, so I'm really excited for that. This is the group I used to go out with almost nightly about a month after I started working here. For those of you that remember back then, Marcus aka "AB" is in the DBA group. There are like 10-15 of us in this office. Definitely a work hard, play hard type of environment. I am absolutely loving it. And it's nice to have the drama of the other building gone. It's also nice to not take all the stress of it home with me at the end of the day. I couldn't tell you the last night I even checked my work email from home. Or worked extra hours. Well, I could. Three weeks ago. LOL. After all the waiting and drama before I transferred, I'm finally here and it's the happiest I've been (with my job) at work in a long time. Nothing against any of the people I worked with before. But liking the people you work with can only take you so far if you hate your job.

Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova - Falling Slowly from Once. I'll end this entry with a plug for this movie. Check it out. Sammy, that means you with your Netflix. Actually, you might not like it. Check it out on a night you're in a chick flicky mood. Girls, check this one out. It's about two musicians. They spend a few days together. It has great singer songwriter-esque music. No crazy plot. Lots of conversation. Really good movie.


Red lights are flashing on the highway
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight
Everywhere the waters getting rough
Your best intentions may not be enough
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight

But if you break down
I'll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don't come easy

I don't know nothing except change will come
Year after year what we do is undone
Time keeps moving from a crawl to a run
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home

You're out there walking down a highway
And all of the signs got blown away
Sometimes you wonder if you're walking in the wrong direction

But if you break down
I'll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don't come easy

So many things that I had before
That don't matter to me now
Tonight I cry for the love that I've lost
And the love I've never found
When the last bird falls
And the last siren sounds
Someone will say what's been said before
Some love we were looking for

But if you break down
I'll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don't come easy