I meant to post something on Saturday night. I did on Facebook, but got kinda introspective and stuff and never made it over here.

Friday night/Saturday morning was 10 years since the Penn State bus accident. There is a mother who has spent an entire decade mourning the loss of her daughter who died right in front of her eyes. Denise Orndorff be 33 now. Possibly a mother herself. Her mother could have been a grandmother. She was a biology major. Would she have been a doctor? A nurse? A scientist? What would her life have been like if she had survived? If the accident had never happened? What would mine?

The other person that died was one of the bus drivers, Robert Clifford Burge. He'd be 60 now. Would he still be driving busses? He died of blunt force trauma and abdominal injuries. He was in the bus behind me. I was in the back seat of our bus, on the driver's side. His bus hit mine hard enough to kill him, right in my back. I saw him on the stretcher, on the road, with the team working on him. In the ambulance later, two of the EMTs said that he had died right there. I don't know if they didn't think I could hear them, or if after after the hours spent while they took people to hospitals, getting the most seriously injured out first, they figured that there was nothing they could say to me that would be worse than what I had seen already. Knowing I watched someone die? Yeah, they were wrong. That's when my neck and shoulder and back pain started. My parents picked me up from a hospital in Wilkes Barre early Sunday morning. We drove to Penn State, got my stuff for Thanksgiving break, and they brought me home. I skipped three days of classes. When I went back, I didn't want to be there. I hadn't put a ton of effort into classes before that. After it, I was done. That week was when I first started taking sleeping meds. I pretty much didn't sleep at night for a week. I remember both of my parents sitting on my bed that first night because any time I fell asleep, I heard Denise screaming while she was trapped in the windshield before she died. For YEARS I couldn't smell diesel fuel without having flashbacks because of the busses and TONS of ambulances there for hours that night. I still hate driving in fog. I still have pretty severe pain in my neck/shoulders. It comes and goes, but it hurts at least moderately for at least a little bit almost every day.

That was 10 years ago. A decade. That seems crazy to me, but at the same time, it seems like a lifetime ago. So Saturday night, I went upstairs alone and I remembered. I prayed for the people left to deal with the loss of Denise and Robert. I prayed for the people, like me, whose lives changed whether a lot or a little that day. Hundreds of us were on those busses. Over a hundred were taken to hospitals all over the area. I'm sure I'm not the only one who didn't go back that January. And life goes on. The people left behind, I'm sure still feel the pain of their loss, but have gotten used to life the way it is instead of the way they imagined it. I can't think of an appropriate way to end this. It's more than I really wanted to say, but it felt good to get it out. I guess I'll just end asking for anyone who feels compelled to send out positive energy/good vibes/prayers/etc. to the families of Denise and Robert, and anyone else who felt the pain again looking back this weekend to the tragedy that feels like it was yesterday, and a lifetime ago, all at the same time.

Happy Hour last night cause sleeplessness last night. Woke up at like 5 and couldn't fall back asleep, so I showered and headed into work. Got in by 6:30, got a lot accomplished, LOVED it, and then felt the beginnings of a cluster headache, presumably triggered by said lack of sleep. LOL. And unfortunately all my packets of Maxalt were sitting on my counter in a neat little ziploc bag, half an hour away from me. :( Last refill I forgot to put a couple in my purse. Luckily my boss is the best and let me come home. Took a pill, and feeling better now, and getting better by the second. Logged back in to work from here the rest of the day, and I have a chiro/massage appt in about half an hour to get rid of the shoulder/neck tension that popped up while the headache was building.

In honor of this feeling of Friday Well-Being, I present you with this link. Bobby McFerrin makes a keyboard. Out of people. VERY cool. At a Neuroscience panel. For anyone who thinks Bobby McFerrin is just Don't Worry Be Happy, search him on YouTube. The man is amazing.

I think I'm gonna take a break from LJ for a while. Possibly Facebook, too, at least for the status/comment/etc part of it.

Kolin and I had a conversation last night when we were the only ones home about perception. It started out talking about how your eye sees things upside down and then your brain flips it back over again. Then Kolin told me that he thinks that he's the only one that's allowed to see things that he sees. We started talking about wondering if what you see as something is how other people see it or if our brains turn things into our own version of what they look like. Like if you could see something from someone else's eyes and brain, red would be red because we're taught that what looks like red is red, but what if when I see a coke bottle and it looks red is the color that your eyes and brain see when you look at a lemon? What if my brain processes the color a different way than yours does. So red is always red in context, but if I saw it through your eyes and brain it would look like my yellow?

It was a really interesting conversation to have with a 10 year old, that's for sure. And it opened my brain up to a weird introspective place for the rest of the night. Only I see my life my way. Only I can see from my perspective. So when things happen or I do or say something, only I can really understand what I mean by it. How many things do I do or say that other people see as wrong or mean or heartless or shallow or any other number of things that are not meant at all? And when it comes down to it, my intentions make it alright for me, but other people can only see me the way my words and actions filter through their own perspective. We're told that we have to be happy with ourselves and not to care about what other people think, but I think it's a bullshit way of life now that I really consider it. What our intentions are should matter, but should just be a basis to show us how we should make ourselves look to others. We should strive for others to see us the way we see ourselves, not to say "forget them" if they don't.

And online, we're only our own intentions. The only things we see of each other is what we want others to see of ourselves. In 7 years of this 8 years of this journal, there have been very few opportunities for anyone to really see ME. You see what I think I am, but is that who I am if that's not how I am seen by others? By the ones I love? And who love me?

I love and cherish my online friends. But I feel like I'm doing you a disservice. We all paint pretty pictures of ourselves here. Even if we give ourselves flaws, we carefully construct exactly what parts of those flaws are allowed to be shown. A lot has happened on the computer, my mom's Facebook definitely comes into play LOL. Some things friends are going through, as well. And the fact that Jason hates the idea of all of this doesn't help any, either. But mostly I just feel like there's so much invested emotionally into relationships that never really have the opportunity to be mutual because they are based on these online personas that are already so selfish in nature. It's so easy to delete a profile or to unfriend someone. To block an entry. To write a private entry. It's so easy to push someone out of your life that has no idea that it's coming because they've only seen the relationship through their own perspective, never really understanding yours.

And I think I need to figure out a better idea of exactly who I am and how to make that person who everyone else sees, too, before I can go back to pretending that I can accurately represent myself here.

Almost a month


I'm definitely ready for it to be gone by the end of the week!

Today is double owwie. At least I have an appt set up at the chiro/massage for tomorrow after work. I can survive a few more days on ibuprofen as long as I know it's there waiting for me in 34ish hours. It's to the point where my jaw and head hurt now, and I don't know if it's my teeth and gums, or if it's just tension from my neck and clenching my jaw at night and stuff. I'm too young to be going through all this all the time!

I just checked in and my allergy shots should be ready in about 2 weeks. I can't wait to get started. Sounds, crazy, I know, but I have probably about a year, if not more, ahead of me of getting them weekly, so I'd like to get the process started so it can eventually end!

I really want a puppy. Or a new kitten. Until I think about the work that goes into it. Maybe after Midnight's gone, but for now the two of them are enough work.

I can't form a thought cohesive enough for more than a sentence or two, but I don't feel like this entry is over yet. And I have another 20ish minutes before this program I'm running is finished, so I have time to let my mind wander. We had time for Dunkin Donuts this morning. I ate less than half of my pumpkin muffin and am enjoying my coffee, but don't want it all at the same time. I don't really have an appetite, but feel like I want to eat. Welcome to my weight issues. I went to sleep at like 6 something last night, waking up on and off to eat something and watching tv for a few minutes before deciding I really just wanted to lay down and turning the tv off at like 8:05. I tossed and turned and slept weirdly till like 9 something. There's probably something weird going on with my body. Fighting off getting sick or something. Then I woke up at 6:15 for the third morning in a row without wanting to fall back asleep. Thanks, Daylight Savings.

I'm super nervous for baseball tonight. I don't want to say too much about that.

I feel like I want/need to cry, but I'm not sad about anything. I need to do homework. Like badly. To the point where I'm almost just accepting that I'm not meeting requirements this term and moving on to the next. I'm in pain. I think the dark evenings and shorter days are starting to get to me. I just feel dark. Not evil dark. Empty dark. This entry is really taking a turn for the worse, so I think it's time to call it quits.

If anyone has a second, please help my cousin's son Hunter in this costume contest by clicking on the picture and voting!

I am super owie this morning. Right shoulder is locked and knotted and crinked and everything else. Trying to will it to relax with my brain. Only working somewhat. Boo.



Thursday night was horrific. We went to Pizza Time with Marcus to watch the game. Just the three of us, which is understandably usually awkward for Jason but they actually talked to each other and got along, which was nice. They have a lot of common interests and stuff so it's always a little less awkward when they'll just talk to each other instead of to/through me. LOL.

So in walks Jeremy, Jed's brother. And as I'm talking to Marcus about how we saw Jed at Rachael's wedding and I totally forgot we'd be seeing him there and Jason was awkward for a little while about it, in walks Jed. So we talk for a few, he goes over and hangs out with Jeremy, and a little while later he leaves. Awesome. I'm sure Jason was thrilled with the night at this point. And then in the 8th or 9th inning, in walks Matt Scott. I probably haven't seen Matt in 3 years? It was weird, but it was nice to see him, I guess... Not for Jason, though. And he got weird, and then I said something when we were leaving about feeling weird in that position which turned into a fight.


And people wonder why I just hibernate in my bedroom most of the time.

I get to try to watch the World Series.




How about you?

In a movie version of this postseason, Cashman and Girardi would have some convuluted scheme that trapped the Phillies after game 6 in a cage of lasers or by a lion or a tiger so that they couldn't make it to Game 7 and the Whiz Kids would activate Captain Planet-esque rings that would turn them back into their 1950 selves to fill the roster and win the game and the series and avenge their honor from 59 years ago. Then the 1950 Whiz Kids, the present day Whiz Kids, and the current Phillies team would all do a horrible dance montage during the closing credits to Celebration by Kool & The Gang and there would be badly CGI'ed clouds and HK and Whitey dancing along in heaven.

Also, while caged/trapped, Cole Hamels would be more upset about not having access to mirrors and hair products than missing the game.

raeangel and Greg got married yesterday, and it was GORGEOUS! It ended up being a really nice day after a few days of rain and ickiness, and they were able to have an outdoor ceremony. It was the first Jewish wedding I had ever been to and I was enthralled. So beautiful, and so filled with tradition and MEANING. Check out the gorgeous blue sky they had as a backdrop for the ceremony.



Rachael looked STUNNING. Between her weight loss and the glow of a bride on her wedding day, you couldn't take your eyes off of her :)

The gorgeous bride with her parents


The reception was so fun, with great speeches by everyone, tons of fun dance music, and great food. Dijon-herb crusted salmon, anyone? TO DIE FOR! And a super yummy dessert spread that I'll be regretting for weeks :)

Bryan and Jason (also beard update for 2 1/2 weeks LOL)


Mosey and Bryan


LOVE LOVE LOVE this picture of Mr. & Mrs. Gerson :)


Us


I really really love this one, too


Almost a decade <3 (It's already been a decade for raeangel and moolovesblue!)


And of course there has to be at least one MySpace/Facebook type picture


Ok, maybe two


And my flower from Mosey's Daddy

We just ordered the NFL Red Zone channel from Comcast. For half the money I paid for StatTracker on Yahoo last year. I'm having a footballgasm today. <3 it.

And the beard update...

As of last night

In the interest of further distraction, more pictures. I dyed my hair on Saturday. I was going for darker, but not this dark. But I like it.



And Jason is growing a playoff beard. So far it's working. The last day he shaved was the last day the Phillies lost.

If it's not obvious already, I'm trying my hardest to keep busy and distract myself from thinking about Chris's surgery today. However, running multiple SAS programs that takes about half an hour a pop to run, leaving me no option to do any programming myself doesn't provide me the opportunity to submerge myself in work that I would have liked. So, extra strong prayers, reiki, positive vibes, etc., in the direction of the Torresdale, Philly area would be greatly appreciated. Put out into the universe that he WILL get through this and it WILL help him to heal. No negativity allowed today. Thank you.

Jason's home sick today. Achy and sniffly and fevery. And VERY sleepy. Hoping I don't get it. I'm a little sniffly but I take my allergy medicine around now every day, so it's always a kinda sniffly time of day. Plus, I was super itchy yesterday so obviously either the meds aren't working as well or there are extra allergens around lately.

We went to the therapist for the first time last night. It went well, I guess. I cried. But we were both honest and we like her. We both agree with the main goals she pointed out from the initial session and we're comfortable with her so for now we'll be there every other Monday. We'll see how it goes. And how much I want to share about it while it's happening.


This is a picture I took from the driveway because we were a few minutes early, looking from the driveway across her tennis court at some of the 6-7 deer we saw grazing in the yard. This is before we walked back through the back gate and saw the giant swimming pool in her house nestled in the woods of Upper Merion. LOL. We were a little skeptical at first about how we'd feel about her based on this, but she's older and she and her husband both drive Hondas, so we get the feeling now that she's worked hard to get what she has and we appreciate that, not resent it.


And a meme while I run some SAS listings

*Think back to ten years ago on this month.
*Write truthful answers and ELABORATE. This makes it more interesting!
*It's about personal changes. Have fun with it!

( THEN: October 1999 )

( NOW: October 2009 )

My mom called. She spoke to Chris's mom. She asked if I would visit him. I just called and spoke to her. They're doing the surgery on Tuesday. He would definitely die without it. It's still a high possibility he might die with it, but it's the only chance he has. The doctor told him with all of the drugs he has done he has pretty much killed his own body. She cried to me that even with everything he's done he's such a good kid and he has to be strong and fight it. But she sounds so sad and lost. She's trying to heal her own body while she watches her little boy fight for his own. I'm going to the hospital tomorrow to see him. To show him people do care about him and that his life is worth fighting for. And crying pretty much from now until Tuesday when I hear anything. Other than the few minutes I'll get to be with him. I need to be strong for him, to see that he can be strong, too. That it's not a lost cause. And I really hope that I'm not lying to myself and to him.



EDIT: Not going to the hospital. His mom called back. The doctor asked that Chris not get excited between now and the surgery on Tuesday because it could dislodge bacteria from his heart which could then infect even more during and after the surgery. So we're being extremely optimistic and planning for me to visit him sometime later next week once surgery is done on Tuesday. I don't know how she's doing it.

~Last night was the wedding episode on The Office. We let the kids stay up and got ice cream and stuff. Oops, hello multiple sex references including graphic description of condom vs non-condom. LOL. Ahhhhh the awkward moments of parenthood. Then it was time for bed and Kelsey turned back into bitchy teenager. Every night in our house is a little like Cinderella.

~Waiting on news about Chris. They were transferring him to the hospital for the surgery sometime either yesterday evening, last night, or this morning, with surgery immediately to follow to replace the heart valve. Trying to not think about it much, as I don't know if/when I'll know anything. Apparently it's kinda turning into "Who knows the most about Nancy!" at my mom's school, so she's trying to lay low and just help out when she can and get what info she can without being part of what is becoming a weird and twisted contest.

~Started out the morning by transferring all of the Beatles remastered albums to a memory stick, so have that for whenever I get sick of O&A/Ron & Fez today. Showering/makeup/getting dressed while singing along to the Beatles with my husband is a great way to give life to a rainy Friday. Then to get to work and have DBA coffee break in the caf and make an English muffin while successfully running a GIANT SAS program and get that off my plate... It's been a good day so far. Hopefully it continues. Kolin's baseball game will probably get cancelled tonight so we'll have to find something to do. Monsters Vs. Aliens should be getting delivered in the mail today and Kelsey's the only one who has seen it and can't wait to see it again so maybe we'll pop loads of popcorn and try to find some firewood somewhere and chill at home.

~Jason made an appt for a counselor. We go on Monday for our first appointment. Wish us luck. I'm nervous because Jason doesn't really open up anymore, and I know I resent it, and I know that part of me will resent him opening up in therapy without being able to open up to me normally. But I want to make it work, and this is a HUGE step for him, so I need to focus on moving forward.

~I don't know if I mentioned it here but we borrowed a LARGE chunk of money from my dad in December to pay the mortgage company some back payments. We only have one payment left to pay him off, although we're splitting it into two smaller payments. And we'll still have him paid off a month early, as the payment agreement I presented to him when we borrowed it was 12 payments, one each month this year. It feels really really good to have followed through on this and not just depended on my dad, but paid him back for once.

~I need to pick up some beef. I think I wanna make a stew on Sunday with pumpkin ale. Probably Harvest Moon, though, so it's not overly pumpkiney and Jason will like it. I think I'll take a Guinness stew recipe and adapt to be more fall-like.

I love my job. LOVE IT. I loved my company since I started here, but definitely started disliking my job in Clinical. Mostly because I was at the end of a very short (non-existant, really) career path. Now that I'm in the DBA group, I honestly love every single day of work. 5 years from now I'd like to be a DBA II or DBA III, still here at ICON. 10 years from now I'd like to be working as a contractor making MAD money, but I don't know how realistic that is because my line of work provides more reliability and is probably the better option to keep benefits through. God forbid ICON ever decides Jason's job isn't needed or goes back to paying the property management company to do it, he probably wouldn't be able to land as sweet of a gig somewhere else. I am on the path to doing it, though, especially by working in the field as I go through school. By the time I graduate, not only will I have a B.S. in my field, but 2-3 years experience, too.

Two nights ago I dreamt that my front two teeth came out. No pain, little teeth growing in underneath like I was 8, but I was definitely an adult and they were definitely adult teeth. I remember wondering if they were going to grow in as a completely new 3rd set of teeth. It wasn't the standard panic teeth crumbling away or falling out en masse dream, which I've had a million times before. I was more curious. And frustrated when I tried to eat. That's almost all I remember about it.

Last night was much weirder. And creepier. I was being held in a room with a group of people, and being forced to drink blood. There was a group in the room and there were like little packages and we had a certain number of them and had to drink a little bottle every hour. It was disgusting, but I don't remember tasting it or anything, just the warmth and thickness of it. I'm fairly certain that it was inspired by watching the Angel episode the other day where Wesley pretends to be Angel and has to drink blood as part of the fake out. Especially cause at one point Spike was in the room and wouldn't drink anyone else's bottles because thought it was funny to watch people suffer. I don't know why it took me a few days to have the dream, when nothing yesterday even sparked a memory of the episode. So weird.


No new Chris news yesterday.

We went to Payless, Ross, and Old Navy on the way home and had dinner at Ruby Tuesdays because I LOOOOOOOOVE their salad bar. We walked into Payless and within 3 minutes had 7 people ask us if we needed any help finding anything. Is Payless really that confusing of a store for people to navigate? When the last girl asked us, I looked at Jason and we started to walk out. On the way past the counter? "You guys weren't able to find anything???" Wow. We cleaned up at Ross and Old Navy. I got two shirts at Ross for $15. Jason got two shirts and I got 4-5 at Old Navy for $28. Not bad! I was sick of wearing the same couple shirts to work constantly. LOL. I really wanted an Old Navy Cardi Coat but the one I wanted was only in dark green in medium. Apparently they are selling out as soon as they restock, and they sell out just as quick online. That makes me sad. I really want the one with the lantern sleeves, but in a neutral color, not hunter green.

Jen and the kids called three times within an hour and a half while we were out. When we got home Jason took Kolin's math book down to him and politely but firmly told Jen that the way things are needs to stop. He told her that we all, kids included, have to start living like we're 100 miles away, not two blocks. That when the kids go from one house to the other they need to remember their stuff, and that they can't just depend on the fact that they'll be able to take care of stuff throughout the week between houses. She can't ignore his phone calls cause she doesn't feel like dealing with him, and if he's gonna do that then she REALLY can't call him a million times when he is actually answering and handling the situation. He also told her that the child support agreement she agreed to stated that the money she is getting is for food/shelter of the kids and anything above and beyond that needs to be split 50/50. We took dance on ourselves because she told Kelsey that we were the reason she couldn't take it, but other than that, she needs to pay half of extra expenses. School supplies, sports, etc. He gave her a sheet of supplies Kelsey needs for home ec and told her it's her week, so it's her responsibility to get it, and if she shows him a receipt, he'll pay half. He told her that we had to order pictures and choose a package ourselves because she refused to answer the phone or return his voice mails, so we chose the smallest package and that she WILL give us half of the money and money for supplies depending on how many pictures she expects us to print on the printer. She apparently didn't get upset or angry at all, and was almost embarassed. More taken aback, and acknowledged that everything he said was correct. We'll see where it goes from here.

Well at least now I can refocus my feelings of helplessness and panic and worry into anger.

My mom went to visit Chris's mom last night. Note, that means that she wasn't with Chris. You know why? Because her fucking bullshit insurance company won't allow her to. How can they stop her? Well, she currently needs a giant walker contraption to even get to the bathroom by herself. She is in no condition to be home yet, and is basically relearning how to walk and use her wrist now that it doesn't function the same way as it used to, and that's not easy to do when you're in constant pain. And on meds to try to keep you levelheaded while it feels like your entire life is going to shit. Her insurance company's way to handle this? Telling her that if she is well enough to leave the rehab facility to go visit Chris in the hospital, then she's well enough that they no longer need to cover the costs of the rehab facility. So in order to be able to get to a point where she can exist on her own, she isn't able to be with her son while he is possibly dying.

I can't even imagine someone making this decision. Because when it comes down to it, someone sitting at a desk in an office somewhere had to say "Ooooh, here's a way for us to save money." I get that there is a ton of insurance fraud, and that there is a ton of overuse of insurance coverage even when there isn't fraudulent activity, but does misuse by some have to hurt others? How can someone possibly think that it is ok to forbid a mother to be with her sick child?

His dad came back to the rehab facility from being at the hospital while my mom was there and told them that Chris developed MRSA on his heart valve. They're taking him off the medicines that are keeping him in a medically induced coma, and then working to remove his ventilator in the hopes that if his body has to work on its own, it will possibly be equipped to fight the infection, instead of backing off and letting the ventilator do all the work. I don't know what to think. I understand the logic of it, but I also understand that it's a last ditch effort. They don't know it will work, which means they are at the point where they are taking him off of the ventilator not knowing what will happen, which means risking death, which seems to me like they have run out of other options.

I'm still kinda numb about it all. I think my heart is too busy breaking for their family and what they are going through to really understand that it's my friend, and that he really might die. Although now that I type that out, my body finally reacts. I don't know. I'm trying to focus on work and not think about it, but then I feel cold and callous.

Whatever you believe in, please send some to Chris and his family. Prayers, postive thoughts, good vibes... whatever you can.